Sunday, April 24, 2011

Bust an Infertility Myth: "It Will Happen If It Was Meant To Be"

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week® (April 24-April 30, 2011,)  RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association is hosting “Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge.” RESOLVE is the largest nationwide non-profit dedicated to improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility.  
The goal of this challenge is to bring together bloggers from the infertility community as well as other bloggers interested in the topic to answer the question: 
What is the biggest infertility myth and how has it effected your life or the life of your friends and family members?

"...if it was meant to be..."
It's probably not really a "myth," per se, but it's something that just sticks in my craw whenever I hear somebody say something like it. Right on up there with "As soon as you give up, it'll just happen!" and "Well, you can always adopt!" [Not that I have a problem with adoption at all. But for someone who desperately wants a baby growing inside, it's just not the same. And not as easy as they'd make it out to be! I sure hope someone writes about that myth for this event!]

There are many variations. "God works in mysterious ways." "Don't worry! If it it was meant to be, it'll happen!" "If God wants you to be a mother, then He'll provide!" 
They probably don't mean to be insensitive jerks when they say these things. But what they're really saying is "God must not want you to have a baby right now, so suck it up." Oh, that's not what they think they're saying. But it's essentially what those types of comments mean. "You were clearly not meant to have a baby. Otherwise you'd be pregnant." 

Photo credit
With infertility treatments (and adoption,) you kind of need to be higher up in the financial food chain. So does that mean poorer people with infertility weren't meant to have kids? Because they can't afford the $10-$15k for IVF (or more, for adoption, surrogacy, etc,) if that's what they'd end up needing? People who would be wonderful, loving parents, but for some reason just can't conceive? I have to go deeply into dept and spend all our savings just to try and have the child those savings were supposed to be for?

Does that mean a woman who just doesn't ovulate wasn't meant to have kids? Or an infertile man? What if some accident caused the infertility? Or chemical exposure at work? I mean, it's not like we do something to cause our infertility. "Well, yeah. I know I did that so I wouldn't have kids, but now I changed my mind!" What did we do to deserve this? 

Does something completely beyond our control mean that someOne or something out there doesn't think we'd be good parents? Or is it more likely all the crud in our water and air and food that we've been exposed to in the womb, and by breathing, eating, touching our whole lives? Infertility rates are only increasing. Does that mean only the people who sleep with everyone in their trailer park are the only ones meant to have kids? The ones who don't take responsibility for their offspring? Drug users? Those on welfare who can't afford to care for the kids they have, but want more money, so keep popping them out? The ones who abuse their children? The ones who lock their kids in the car and back the car into a lake? These people are the chosen ones?

Many people have fertility issues simply because they waited a little too long. To meet the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. Or to become financially stable. Or to be mature enough to be a better parent (than they would have been otherwise.) So Fate doesn't want people who can and will actually take care of their children to have them? This is all God's plan? 


The only "bright side" of having had such a hard struggle to have a baby is what kind of mother I am because of it. This isn't to say that I'm better than all other parents because of this. But I'm a better parent than I would have been otherwise. I read loads of parenting books to learn how to work with her, rather than against her.  Because I wanted it so much, I'm more patient with my daughter. She is truly a treasure to me. Again, not that other people don't love their kids. But at least compared to my sisters, I place a higher priority on my daughter's emotional and mental well-being than they do with their kids. They think I spoil her by holding her all the time. I think I'm accepting her more sensitive personality and working with her needs. I don't try and make her fit what I think my child should be, but work with who she is. Even if it's a little more tiresome than I would have liked. 

Another Myth:
"You'd be such a good parent! I'm sure it will happen!"
Sadly, the ability to be a good parent does not dictate one's ability to be a parent. 

Check out these links for a basic understanding about infertility and more about National Infertility Awareness Week®
And read about the other "myths" here!


  1. Love your post!

  2. If someone ever says comments to me, such as "If God wanted you to be a parent, it would happen." My reply will be, "You, along with any other human bring, are not qualified to speak on God's behalf."

    Also, there are stories in the news from time to time about parents who abuse kill their children. Did God meant for these people to be parents?

  3. Great post! This one truly gets me - to no end!!! I've had so many people tell me that over the years. "You lost your baby because it wasn't meant to be." "Maybe it's not your time yet." And my personal favorite - from my mother: "Maybe God has plans for you other than being a mother." Um yeah, I had to remind her that she didn't listen to God either - she was infertile and so she adopted me... She quickly changed it to "Maybe God wants you to adopt!" That conversation did not go well.

    Now I'm pregnant after IVF and an FET, and I told someone last week that I'm scared that I'll lose the baby, and she replied, "Well if it's meant to be, your baby will live." Are you kidding me? I walked away...

    Good luck with your blood test this week...

  4. Sing. It.

    Mostly b/c I'm so ruffled my this one - and scared to hear it from people I'm certain would utter these very words - my hubby and I have remained silent with our families regarding our infertility, relying instead on supportive, nurturing friends to see us through. Grateful for them - and amazing bloggie buds! - every single day. Thinking of you this NIAW.

  5. OMG.

    You had me at "Madame Ovary."

  6. I 100% agree with everything you said.

    My son and daughter greatly bene from our struggle, and for that I am grateful.

    But, on the other hand, THINKING you will be a good parent doesn't MAKE you one. Sometimes, the opposite happens.