Princess and the Pee Sticks

The home pregnancy tests say you can test 4-6 days (depending on the test) before your missed period. So if ER date is "Day 14" of your cycle, then one should be able to get a result around 10 days later, right? Even though the blood test isn't scheduled until 2 weeks after. I remember that I did a pee stick at the earliest possible moment last time too, and got a BFP! I Googled info on how long it takes for an egg to implant (9 days after fertilization, although my sister swears she "knew" when her first pregnancy implanted, and it was 3 days before her period was due.)

Around a week before the blood test, by nips started getting tingly. My boobies feel tighter and fuller. Ad at one point I absentmindedly glanced in the mirror while brushing my teeth and thought "Whoa! Those are big!" So I had high hopes. Same thing happened last time!
My plan had been to do a home test the Wednesday before my blood test (Saturday,) but I'd be at my sister's house, and she's been chomping at the bit. Screeching that she can't possibly wait that long to get results. Yeah. 'Cuz it's sooo easy for me. So I decided to go ahead and try Tuesday, so I might possibly have an answer for her before I got there.

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4/26 - (Tuesday) - BFN. Well. Huh. The boobs were still sensitive, so maybe it's just too early. My sister began grilling me on my behavior. Had I been avoiding "offensive" foods like onions and garlic? Resting enough? Thinking positive? Excellent. So now if I'm not pregnant, it's all my fault, because I stayed up late one night playing Farmville. And offensive foods? Really? E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g gives me gas. In fact, when I was pregnant the first time, WATER gave me gas. What exactly am I supposed to avoid?

4/27 - (Wednesday) - I went and bought a pair of ultra-sensitive 6-days-early tests. BFN.

4/28 - (Thursday) - Tried peeing in a cup instead of directly onto the stick, in case I'd somehow messed that up. BFN. Said goodbye to my little Maybies and cried in the shower.
Called the fertility clinic and asked when I should schedule a follow-up, on the likely chance that my blood test in 2 days will be negative too. (7 weeks after the start of injectibles.) And left a message for the financial counselor to find out if my insurance will pay again, or if we'll need another prior auth, etc. (Apparently my insurance limits to $25k/year, and she estimates we'll have around $10k left. It's too soon to know for sure, since it often takes 3-4 weeks for the insurance to respond to a claim. She kind of suggested that maybe we could wait until the yearly max resets next year. Yeah. I want to waste another 7 months.)
The nurse of course got my hopes back up again. After I'd finally let them go. She told me that my blood test is scheduled for the earliest possible day they'd expect to get results with a blood test. Um. So why do home pregnancy tests work early then? But now I could still possibly maybe be pregnant. Torture. I don't think I'm pregnant, but I can't let go and move forward until I know for sure. I so want to move on.

Started spotting at bedtime. Like a big red punch in the gut. Could just be normal. Could mean nothing. Could mean everything.

4/29 - More spotting. Still tingly boobies though. Had only bought 2 more home tests, and didn't really want to throw away another $10 just to get my soul crushed again.

Scared Little Z when she found me crying in the morning. "Mommy. I don't want you to be sad. [*tears welling up*] I only want you to be happy!" [*crying*] And all day she's been asking me if I'm happy now. And telling me that she's sorry that I was so sad "yesterday." (She is still struggling with the concept of time. Anything before naptime was "yesterday." If the sun is even remotely out, it's "morning." And if it's bedtime, then it's apparently also "morning.")

So depressed it feels like someone's sitting on my chest. The thought of someone bringing up my IVF at the moms club event I had committed to running today (otherwise I would have just played hooky and sacked out at home all day) makes me cry. Thinking about virtually anything at all makes me cry. Seeing the sun shining makes me cry.